I did a time pie today. I drew a circle and drew slices indicating how much time I spend doing various things I generally do. It was surprising. Although I am an artist and poet, I had no slice for these things. I haven't been doing them and I don't know why. I'm not worried about it. I trust it will come at the right time. I may need to take some classes, have some deadlines to inspire me. Maybe I'm not a very disciplined person on my own. I need the teacher, the coach, the boss, etc. Nothing wrong with that. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I don't go to the pool. I filled the whole pie but there isn't any time for the pool. If I cut my sleeping by 4 hours and cut surfing the web by an hour, I free up 5 hours for valuable things. I enrolled in an on line college tonight. I'll need time to study. I think having assignments and some structure in my life will help me put the time in that will be needed for studying. For now I have no schedule, no responsibilities. I naturally end up spending too much time doing stupid things. I have been disabled for years and now that the medications are working I find I have time on my hands.Before the illness I was a good scholar and athlete. But I did have teachers and coaches. Bob Dylan was once asked what inspires him and he said "deadlines." I am going to have to make time for the pool. I kind of wonder how I'm going to do it all but I know it will work out. I'm too bored not to get active. It does perplex me though, why I don't draw or write poems anymore. I once thrived on these things. Maybe I just don't enjoy them anymore. But I have the soul of a poet and artist. I need to express myself. I want to paint. It's as if I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not any good. Who cares? I should just paint what I want to paint and write what I want to write. I let the styles and methods of others discourage me. One artist plans out his work with sketches and knows how to use perspective. He mixes the colors using things from nature. If he wants to do a landscape he goes out and gets grass, leaves, etc. and he mixes the paint until he gets just the right color. I do not work this way. I don't plan. I love to just go at it and see what happens. I like the mystery of my method. I don't mix paint. I start with all the tubes I need or with a complete box of oil pastels and then I draw. Technically I do not paint, I draw with paint. That's okay. And if I want a black line around everything that is okay too. I'm not particular about getting a face just right. I like how my drawings put something else in a face. If I draw a model from a magazine, she may look peaceful but in my drawing she will look sad or angry or anguished. She may have a blank face but in the drawing she will be full of emotion. And it is not important to me to get the proportion of the face and head just right. I like it a bit askew. So I don't draw out and plan a face. I know how to do it but it bores me to tears. I draw bottles without planning too. I know how to draw to get an exact shape of whatever bottle I'm drawing, but that is not my goal. I want to see what happens. I want to see what emotions emerge. My bottles evoke loneliness or poverty and other states of being. I cannot explain what I do. It's the same with piano. I can't read music but I play well. Many people have said I sound like I've had years of lessons. I had two years. I just start playing and the HOly Spirit takes over. I like to worship God at the piano. My husband says he has heard me play Beethoven. I was not aware of it. He wants to make recordings of my playing since I can't write it down in musical notation. I need to keep my creativity mystical. I tried to impose rules, perspective, color theory, music theory, reading music, planning, proportions, etc. etc. etc. and all it did was nearly kill the beautiful thing God put inside me. I pray for the ability to unlearn the rules and create freely again. Even Picasso had to unlearn everything in order to be a brilliant artist.
Today was a day of extremes of emotions. I felt great joy earlier when I was praising God. I had a great AA meeting and really connected with people. I feel I'm being used by God to help people. That makes me feel elated. But things are not so great with my husband lately. He is always irritable and he hardly responds to anything I say. He is repairing our fire damaged house and I understand how stressful that is. I encourage him and pray for him but he is angry all the time and he says hurtful things. I told him he is acting this way and he said he was sorry. Then it started again. When he doesn't give me the time of day I feel lonely. I start to worry about what I may be doing to piss him off. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I need some comfort and affirmation . HE is offering none. All last week I was in bed with anxiety related to a mental illness. I told him how I felt and he offered no words of comfort. When he is anxious or sad, I am there for him. I wish he would show me he cares. This is making me very sad. I bought him a stocking and stuffed it with lots of treats and he said nothing. He didn't even thank me. It meant nothing to him. I'm getting sick of this. I'm tired of him acting like it is a bother to talk to me or take me anywhere. Our first wedding anniversary is this Sunday and I'm not even asking him to take me out because I don't want to get a guilt trip over how much it will cost. He earned 4,000 dollars recently and has 1,000 left but won't let me get my hair cut or buy any new clothes at the thrift store. All of my nice clothes burned in the fire. I'm down to 1 pair of rubber boots, a pair of converse tennis shoes, a few cotton sweaters, and a pair of jeans. I don't even have a winter coat. I think I'll just tell him I need the money and let him deal with having to explain turning me down. Let him have the guilt trip for a change. My basic needs are not being met. If I ask him to hold me a bit he acts like I'm taking his precious time away for nothing. It's like the only time he is nice to me is when he is down and depressed. It reminds me of The Smith's lyrics " In the days when you were hopeless and poor, I just liked you more." I tried all night to connect with someone on line. I left encouragement for a depressed guy and he said " I'm an atheist, no thanx." Wow. I didn't even try to push Christianity on him. Maybe he should give God a try. Maybe then he wouldn't be so suicidal. I guess I just need to draw close to God. He is more real than me, isn't he? Talk about Jesus.
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