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HOw I spend my time... | siberia1000's Blog


 I did a time pie today. I drew a circle and drew slices indicating how much time I spend doing various things I generally do. It was surprising. Although I am an artist and poet, I had no slice for these things. I haven't been doing them and I don't know why. I'm not worried about it. I trust it will come at the right time. I may need to take some classes, have some deadlines to inspire me. Maybe I'm not a very disciplined person on my own. I need the teacher, the coach, the boss, etc. Nothing wrong with that. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I don't go to the pool. I filled the whole pie but there isn't any time for the pool. If I cut my sleeping by  4 hours and cut surfing the web by an hour, I free up 5 hours for valuable things. I enrolled in an  on line college tonight. I'll need time to study. I think having assignments and some structure in my life will help me put the time in that will be needed for studying. For now I have no schedule, no responsibilities. I naturally end up spending too much time doing stupid things. I have been disabled for years and now that the medications are working I find I have time on my hands.Before the illness I was a good scholar and athlete. But I did have teachers and coaches. Bob Dylan was once asked what inspires him and he said "deadlines." I am going to have to make time for the pool. I kind of wonder how I'm going to do it all but I know it will work out. I'm too bored not to get active. It does perplex me though, why I don't draw or write poems anymore. I once thrived on these things. Maybe I just don't enjoy them anymore. But I have the soul of a poet and artist. I need to express myself. I want to paint. It's as if I'm afraid. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not any good. Who cares? I should just paint what I want to paint and write what I want to write. I let the styles and methods of others discourage me. One artist plans out his work with sketches and knows how to use perspective. He mixes the colors using things from nature. If he wants to do a landscape he goes out and gets grass, leaves, etc. and he mixes the paint until he gets just the right color. I do not work this way. I don't plan. I love to just go at it and see what happens. I like the mystery of my method. I don't mix paint. I start with all the tubes I need or with a complete box of oil pastels and then I draw. Technically I do not paint, I draw with paint. That's okay. And if I want a black line around everything that is okay too. I'm not particular about getting a face just right. I like how my drawings put something else in a face. If I draw a model from a magazine, she may look peaceful but in my drawing she will look sad or angry or anguished. She may have a blank face but in the drawing she will be full of emotion. And it is not important to me to get the proportion of the face and head just right. I like it a bit askew. So I don't draw out and plan a face. I know how to do it but it bores me to tears. I draw bottles without planning too. I know how to draw to get an exact shape of whatever bottle I'm drawing, but that is not my goal. I want to see what happens. I want to see what emotions emerge. My bottles evoke loneliness or poverty and other states of being. I cannot explain what I do. It's the same with piano. I can't read music but I play well. Many people have said I sound like I've had years of lessons. I had two years. I just start playing and the HOly Spirit takes over. I like to worship God at the piano. My husband says he has heard me play Beethoven. I was not aware of it. He wants to make recordings of my playing since I can't write it down in musical notation. I need to keep my creativity mystical. I tried to impose rules, perspective, color theory, music theory, reading music, planning, proportions, etc. etc. etc. and all it did was nearly kill the beautiful thing God put inside me. I pray for the ability to unlearn the rules and create freely again. Even Picasso had to unlearn everything in order to be a brilliant artist.

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HOw I spend my time..., posted December 15th, 2012
Sad and Lonely, posted December 13th, 2012

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